Thursday, March 20, 2008

Zombie in the making

As my stress level slowly creeps up and my task list seems to get longer by the second, the less I seem to want to sleep. I think it's in part to the fact that I feel like I couldn't get everything done even if I decided to forgo sleep for the next 6 weeks. Of course it's also that I'm a bit controlling...or so I've been told. I think I'm just efficient and organized. Maybe it's the constant buzzing in my head of all the things that seems so important or even the harsh reality that many of my tasks are completely out of my control. The sad truth is that forcing myself to go to bed at 2 or even 3 am still doesn't make me tired. It just annoys me more that I have to lay there in the dark until I finally fall asleep. Morning comes too soon and the flooding reminders of tasks still undone come pouring back to me the moment my lids open. *Sigh*

I never really gave much thought to what a daunting task it is to move across the country. How hard could it be? You pack your crap and go. Well, it's a little more involved. :-/ Now that it's 42 days and counting down, I don't even care if I NEED it. It's getting packed.

Trying to line up job interviews, in a state that I've only spent 4 days in, is a little difficult as well. I have one gentleman practically begging me to be my first interview when I get to Vermont but the job is 70 miles from my home. A little too far to travel on a daily basis. Especially the way fuel prices are these days. Diesel is $0.45 higher than premium! It made sense to buy our truck 2 years ago when diesel was the cheapest but these prices are ridiculous. WVO here I come! I'm still pretty worried about employment and how quickly I can get into my first paycheck. A long laps in pay would be our biggest killer! Savings can only take us so far.

Which brings us to the next point...the houses. We're 20 days past our original closing date for the Vermont house and we don't have a loan yet. :-/ The market is in such a bad place right now, people with 700 beacon scores are being turned down for loans. Here we are trying to buy a second home! We're nuts! We both wish that we could sell the Florida house but we just can't. Even if we had someone interested in buying it, we couldn't ask what we owe. This market crash has hurt us in so many ways! Thankfully we have a couple (whom we think we can trust) that is interested in renting it from us. It wont cover the mortgage...actually it'll only cover about half but we're thankful that we'll have that bit of income too. I just don't know what we'll do if this sale ends up not happening. We'll have less than a month to find a place to rent, sight unseen. What a headache!

I just found out last night too that my husband is going to have to go to Montana for a week too. It's bad enough that we have 6 weeks until the moving date, now I'm going to be a man down for one of them! He works so hard and he's putting everything he has into this new project. These last few months have been pretty lonely. I'm not complaining because Nic is aware of the time he spends towards work and he is extra devoted to giving me face time. It's still gets pretty lonely though. He spends a lot more time on the phone with people regarding the job both at work and at home. His nights are now spend with a computer in his lap reviewing emails and adapting the project schedule. His days are frantic working full time as a finish carpenter and squeezing in design meetings and conference calls. I proud of him and I know this is going to be a great step forward for us. I can't wait until we're finally settled in Vermont and he can focus on the project with his undivided attention. It should free up his evenings for me again. :-)

As if I didn't have enough to be consumed, my thoughts are often wandering away from tasks and towards my grandfather. My wonderful, well adjusted, peaceful, wise, great story-telling, grandpa. His battle with cancer has lasted the better part of a decade. It seems odd to be thankful for a disease as devastating as cancer but in a way, I am. I know that God has our days numbered before we even begin to come into existence in our mothers womb. I recognize that we were given a chance to say our goodbyes and let him know what he meant to us. I'm thankful that this disease has allowed me an opportunity to live a more examined life these last few years. It's caused me to be more aware of the time I have with those I love. I try to end all conversations with an 'I love you'. I try to express my appreciation in all of the small efforts. His struggle with cancer has shown me how strong his faith and his character are. It's allowed me to see the love he has for his wife (my sweet grandma) and the steps he was willing to take to make sure she knew we did everything we could. I'm finding it hard to bring to words exactly how much he means to me. The games we played, the many stories he told me while I sat in his lap, the warnings of safety as I grew up, the pride I can see in his eyes when he smiles at me; It makes me want to weep with love and sadness. Humans are so finite in our definitions of beginning and ending that most have a hard time accepting that God is timeless. So, why does that translate into difficult goodbyes? Shouldn't we already have an accepting spirit that there will be an end to every life? I know that the hard goodbye that I need to choke out through tears will only be an earthly one and that he will be waiting for me in heaven when my journey on earth is over but it still makes those last few years on earth a little more lonely without him.

So that's what's on my heart. That's why I don't sleep anymore. My words get jumbled, I lose my train of thought, I forget what I'm trying to do mid task and I feel like everything is moving in slow motion. As I adjust to my new insomniac state, I'm thankful a good cry can still put me out like a light, even if it is on a wet pillow.


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